"Still I Write My Songs About That Dream Of Mine"

Today is the day that marks 10 years since I saw Nightwish, who are undoubtedly my favourite band of all time. They've seen some changes over the last decade, they are on their 3rd singer and have gained a 7th member who has a penchant for tin whistles and weird pipes and while the last two albums have been a bit hit and miss, I have high hopes for the one soon to be released.

But why does this matter? Why am I writing a blog about a band?

It's not the band, it's the music.

Music has been one of my ways of coping through any stress, dark periods or anxiety in my life. From when I was a teenager when I thought everything was stacked against  me, music was my sanctuary. It was in my teens when I discovered metal starting with Evanescence and Linkin Park before going onto Lacuna Coil, Within Temptation and Nightwish.

I think I have always found solace in the lyrics, from the first time I heard Linkin Park's In the End, something in there resonated with me, although now I couldn't tell you what it was.

The first time I really noticed were Evanescence. I swore when I got my hands on Fallen, every song on that album spoke to me in some way or another. When I thought I was drowning with school and home life it helped and made me realise I wasn't alone, that people were going through this elsewhere in their own way.

As I got older, found love, a job and carried on life as a relatively normal human being I thought the music left. It was there, always there but I found less meaning in lyrics, bands who I would have listened to a single song for hours, that kinda stopped (unless it was a really good song!). But I felt the songs were there for the sake of being songs, the meaning in the bands I listened to vanished, even though the enjoyment remained.

The only music I felt differently about was the Pagan bands I started to listen to, that music helped me, it helped me in a different way to Evanescence and Nightwish. When contemplating my spirituality or if I was feeling disconnected, a quick listen to Omnia or Damh the Bard quickly put me back into the frame of mind, especially during the summer which I tend to listen to them more. I've had many an epiphany while listening to some of these artists in relation to my beliefs and for that I've been eternally grateful.

Nightwish have had a couple of albums out since I started listening to them. I came in just as they were able to release Once, a year or so before Tarja was somewhat unceremoniously dumped from the band. Since then, they released Dark Passion Play and Imaginaerum. While I could listen to these albums they did nothing for me. The songs were just songs, the poetry I knew from older albums were gone and they slipped into songs I could listen to but gained no meaning from.

It's only in the last couple of months that I feel like I have gained any meaning from music again. I don't know if this is because of the way that people have been writing or because of the frame of mind I have been in. Since around July 2013 I have suffered, in some way or another, with anxiety and depression. I don't know where I started finding meaning again. It could have been with Ayreon - The Theory of Everything, Delain - The Human Contradiction or even Within Temptation - Hydra. There was songs on those albums that had lyrics that were relevant to the situations I was finding myself in, the states of anxiety I could find calm. I even found myself going back to old songs, old bands and they were like they were before. Screaming words to songs, with husband safely out the house, was once again some form of release for me.


And now Nightwish have released their new single, with their new singer Floor Jansen of Revamp and formerly of After Forever. I know that fans of the band are not necessarily impressed with the song, but I love it. Lyrics once again are in there and there meaning of the song is one that I have fallen in love with. Tuomas Holopainen, Keyboardist and Songwriter of Nightwish said this of Élan: 

"The underlying theme of the song is nothing less than the meaning of life, which can be something different for all of us.
"It's important to surrender yourself to the occasional 'free fall' and not to fear the path less travelled by."

I am travelling on the path that comes with road signs, and although I don't know when the next one will be I know that they are there. The other path is below the cliff and I am longing to jump but the roadblocks on my current path prevent me from veering off course. And if I did jump, where would I jump to? What is over the other side of the cliff? 

I don't have answers, not yet, but the song has got me thinking of what the answers could possibly be.  In the mean time I have my music, I have Nightwish and all the other bands I know I can listen to when my mood is low, when I'm anxious or just need to be lost for a few hours. 

And when it is my time, I too will be where the cliff greets the sea. 

"I've never felt so alone in my life, As I drank from a cup which was counting my time"

I was in a reflective mood this morning, I'm trying out a new hobby (English Paper Piecing) and apparently between the hisses of breath as I jab myself once again with a needle and minute stitches which then fall apart my brain has plenty time to think about everything and anything.

Two weeks ago I turned the ripe age of 27, and once again those back minded fears of aging and turning old have come back to haunt me, steal my sleep and generally be a nuisance to my day to day life. I am no doubt over quarter of the way of my life (hopefully not half way through) and I still feel like I'm mashing all the buttons on the controller at once in vain hope I manage a combo move that allows me to K.O. whatever I'm up against.

But now I feel that that isn't going to be enough and I am terrified of running out of lives.

 It's one of those situations where people say you need to talk, which is the one thing I can't do. If I have something I need to tell someone I will freeze and not say it. I keep things that should come out be bottled up inside and they eat at me, they feed the anxiety until all I want to do is cry.

Then there's the question of who to talk to. At my current time of life I have never felt more alone. I have friends, dotted all over the country. Some near who I haven't seen in weeks, some far I've not seen in a year. Some message me, some don't, some I don't think know me enough for me to talk to. There's my husband but there are somethings that I don't want to talk to him about.

There are so many issues in life at the moment, not lest that we might not have a home in a few months, attempts to find houses to buy are appearing futile. I'm anxious and I'm terrified about this. How do we know we'll get the mortgage we need, what if we don't find a house? We have no way of knowing when we'll be given our marching orders but we're almost living each day in the house as if it were our last.

I still have the rest of my life to button smash my way through, with the vain hope that someone will give me either the manual with the controls or a cheat guide so I can find the life I want but seem to be unable to find, the one with out anxiety.

Yesterday I was reminded me of a Bernard Black quote "This is life! We suffer and slave and expire, that's it."

I don't want to be that person and unless I get past my fears of failure or whatever that is going to be me. I don't want to live a life of regrets but that is where I am heading. When I'm 80 (gods willing) and lying on my death bed or whatever, what will I regret? At the moment, more or less everything.

There are more and more things I could list where my fears and anxiety lie, things I should talk to people about, but there is no one. No one I feel I could honestly sit with and pour my soul out to.

So I carry on. I want this year to be the year where I carry on and achieve something, whether it's something new or whatever, but I want my life to have a direction besides from the grave. I want to get to December and have done something and have plans or at least some idea of where I'm going in the following year.

I just need to stop these anxious feelings, and if I must do it alone, then so be it.

"With understanding no poet is trapped, Woe to all who stop at the horizon"