"I've never felt so alone in my life, As I drank from a cup which was counting my time"

I was in a reflective mood this morning, I'm trying out a new hobby (English Paper Piecing) and apparently between the hisses of breath as I jab myself once again with a needle and minute stitches which then fall apart my brain has plenty time to think about everything and anything.

Two weeks ago I turned the ripe age of 27, and once again those back minded fears of aging and turning old have come back to haunt me, steal my sleep and generally be a nuisance to my day to day life. I am no doubt over quarter of the way of my life (hopefully not half way through) and I still feel like I'm mashing all the buttons on the controller at once in vain hope I manage a combo move that allows me to K.O. whatever I'm up against.

But now I feel that that isn't going to be enough and I am terrified of running out of lives.

 It's one of those situations where people say you need to talk, which is the one thing I can't do. If I have something I need to tell someone I will freeze and not say it. I keep things that should come out be bottled up inside and they eat at me, they feed the anxiety until all I want to do is cry.

Then there's the question of who to talk to. At my current time of life I have never felt more alone. I have friends, dotted all over the country. Some near who I haven't seen in weeks, some far I've not seen in a year. Some message me, some don't, some I don't think know me enough for me to talk to. There's my husband but there are somethings that I don't want to talk to him about.

There are so many issues in life at the moment, not lest that we might not have a home in a few months, attempts to find houses to buy are appearing futile. I'm anxious and I'm terrified about this. How do we know we'll get the mortgage we need, what if we don't find a house? We have no way of knowing when we'll be given our marching orders but we're almost living each day in the house as if it were our last.

I still have the rest of my life to button smash my way through, with the vain hope that someone will give me either the manual with the controls or a cheat guide so I can find the life I want but seem to be unable to find, the one with out anxiety.

Yesterday I was reminded me of a Bernard Black quote "This is life! We suffer and slave and expire, that's it."

I don't want to be that person and unless I get past my fears of failure or whatever that is going to be me. I don't want to live a life of regrets but that is where I am heading. When I'm 80 (gods willing) and lying on my death bed or whatever, what will I regret? At the moment, more or less everything.

There are more and more things I could list where my fears and anxiety lie, things I should talk to people about, but there is no one. No one I feel I could honestly sit with and pour my soul out to.

So I carry on. I want this year to be the year where I carry on and achieve something, whether it's something new or whatever, but I want my life to have a direction besides from the grave. I want to get to December and have done something and have plans or at least some idea of where I'm going in the following year.

I just need to stop these anxious feelings, and if I must do it alone, then so be it.

"With understanding no poet is trapped, Woe to all who stop at the horizon"