"And So It Ends, It’s Time To Let Go"

Christmas has been and gone, and although it was a quiet affair it was lovely. It was just Andy and I so there were no expectations or too much family. Just us, good food, the seasonal Matrix Trilogy and a fuck tonne of presents.

I am so grateful for all the gifts I got this year. First off, there was a bread maker from my Sister in law, I have already made bread in it and it was delicious! Although my slicing technique certainly requires practice. I received a freestanding mixer, which is something I've wanted for a few years now (Bake Off's fault!) so I'm going to have to break that out soon! Other things I've received include Portal the Board Game, Nimona Graphic Novel, Thor: Goddess of Thunder, a hobby organiser case, DruidCraft Tarot (I've been after this for years), a beautiful Labradorite and Moonstone Pentagram necklace and earrings, Earth, Air, Fire & Water by Scott Cunningham (a follow up to Earth Power I still have to finish...) and a beautiful Steampunk necklace on a heart of lava!

Finally, two days at Alton Towers complete with two nights in a beautiful lodge in their "Enchanted Village" I'm excited! But I have to wait until April, but I think I can cope :)

There are three days left of 2015, and despite the good that came from it, I will be almost glad to see the back of it. Although lots of good came out of it, lots of weddings, Husband and I finally owning our own house, it was a bit naff too.

I've spoken about my anxiety in the past and this year it's come back at times to totally kick my arse. I've not achieved as much as I'd have liked. For example, I am, currently, not even reaching reading 30 books on Goodreads. I'm not even sure a lot of those count really as they are short stories instead of books. I haven't done anything with jewellery really, I've made some as gifts but then it's been put away in the corner. I've lost weight and then I've pretty much gained it all again. I've not done as much exercise, I had started Couch to 5k but my foot hurt so I stopped. I never started again. I haven't gone to any pagan events, I haven't seen a large chunk of my friends, I haven't really been anywhere.

I want all that to change next year, I want shit to get done.

Now as you know, I'm doing my 100 goals for 2016. I've just finished number 50, so I shall present to you my goals from 30 - 50

30. Start a savings account (I am capable of saving, so instead of getting excited about having money and spending it all, it's going into an account for future use/projects/holidays

31. Take better care of myself (Basic things, showering every day, not just when I feel like it, developing a skincare routine, making sure I give myself the time I need for these things!)
32. Go on a Rollercoater at Alton Towers that scares me (which would be about 99.9% of them(
33. Be more thrifty
34. Write poetry (Channel my inner emo Kylo Ren)
35. Do at least one interesting thing a month (like visiting a museum or going somewhere new or trying something new!)
36. Get a tattoo (Something I've been thinking about a lot recently)
37. Do more painting - discover my style (If I have one)
38. Try Watercolours again (I failed in these attempts in the past)
39. Do yoga (I have found a video series on youtube I am going to start doing soon!)
40. Crystal Database Project (This is something I started about 2 years ago, the more crystals I collect the more difficult it's getting!)
41. Say yes to something I wouldn't usually do (within reasons...)
42. Spend a weekend without my laptop or phone. (I'm sure it's possible...I will read, do art, make jewellery and probably fall asleep)
43. Surprise someone with an unexpected gift (why should all my goals be about making me happy?)
44. Buy more art (I want art by Julia Jeffery, Laura Daligan and more by Linda Ravenscroft!)
45. Complete a colouring book (wish me luck)
46. Paint my nails (I do not honestly remember the last time I actually did my nails. At least a year ago, if not longer)
47. Don't buy anything for a month (so somethings are allowed, food for example and I am going to be starting a subscription service I'm allowing myself that. And if I have Amazon vouchers, that's allowed but no money!)
48. Try new things in my favourite restaurants/takeouts (I always have a Balti with Mushroom and Spinach from the Indian and Chicken and Mushroom from the Chinese...there are other things on the menu Jenny!)
49. Make a wedding photo book (I have done ziltch with our wedding photos, that needs to change).
50. Wear more colour! (It's been creeping back into my wardrobe but I would like to get rid of 99.9% of the black!

So I'm half way through, which is pretty good to be honest. 50 more to come up with though which is a little scary but I'm sure we'll get there. There is a big one I'm avoiding putting on my list and avoiding thinking about but 2016 might be the time for it, but we'll see. Progress on that one later I think :)

If I don't see or speak to you before, have a wicked New Year. I will be posting here every two weeks (as agreed in Goal #19) and I promise I will!

2016 is going to be a blast!

I Vow To Be Courageous, Not Allow Myself Undone

I'm a little early doing a blog for 2016, the year is not yet over, in fact we have a good two and a bit weeks left. However, my plans for 2016 are well under way and I have decided that I am going to blog my plans and goals for the coming year, help hold myself accountable I guess by telling you all.

So to begin with, a few weeks ago I decided to order myself Leonie Dawson's Shining Year in Life Workbook. It's a workbook with different sections on different aspects of your life and it helps you find your goals and work towards them. They are amazing, apparently, and if they are as good as they say they are then 2016 is going to be rocking. As soon as I finish putting my goals in there...still need to figure a few out.

My aim for this time 2016 is to be happy and healthy, something I'm well, lets be honest, not right now. Happy, I am working on, I'm certainly happier about my circumstances than I have been although some areas require major improvement. Healthy? Excuse me while I laugh myself into a heart attack. But it's not just my physical body health. While, yes, I need to lose several pounds I also want to improve my mental health. I've made steps towards it, a couple of weeks ago I attended a course called "Developing Personal Resilience." For me, it came along at the right time, although a few months earlier wouldn't have hurt. This course kinda showed me what people have been telling me all along, that I need to stop worrying, that I need to take the time out for me, to stop stressing over every little detail and to stop fearing things I cannot control.

Yeah, yeah, I know you told me, shush.

So my workbook came the weekend after I did that course and it was perfect timing. I got started straight away, wrote the things that went wrong this year. the things I gained this year (house, yay!) and other such reflective questions.

I won't bore you with the rest of the workbook for now, but what I am going to share is the section called "100 things to do in 2016!". Now, of course I don't have all 100 things in my list yet, but I do currently have 29. So they are:-

1. Get more pagan articles published (I'm aiming for 2-3 and I know I have 1 getting published so far, so I only have two left to do!)
2. Fire Walk (This will happen at the camp I'm going to in August, I've done it before and it's fricking amazing!)
3. Speak publicly about my beliefs (something else I already have in the pipeline...)
4. Do NaNoWriMo! (And win, maybe)
5. Read more - Witchy Books in particular (do you have any idea how many books I have? No, neither do I. But I do have 98 Witchy books, and a lot of them are to be read!) 
6. Have more time for friends I don't see often
7. Learn Tarot
8. Take days off just for me (Day in the park, good book, cold drinks, that kinda thing)
9. Practice my spirituality (this one probably needs a blog of it's own)
10. Do the Fellowship of Isis course (No, not THAT ISIS)
11. Do the Order of Bards Ovates and Druids Course
12. Cook more meals from scratch (I think the changes to Weight Watchers will help with that)
13. Spend less time on the internet (Unless it's for a genuinely useful reason like researching for courses or articles. Imgur does not count as research, no matter how it's dressed)
14. Exercise more (more walking, running maybe?)
15. Stop procrastinating (If something needs done, just fucking do it, Jen!)
16. Reach 10st 4lb again (I can dream)
17. Have days out with Andy (Just to prove he is capable of leaving the house)
18. Have tech free days (Although I will end up watching a dvd with hubby, no laptop, no phone...might die.)
19. Blog fortnightly (lets see how long this one lasts!)
20. Plan out my weekly "chores" (lets see how long this one lasts too...)
21. Read 10 books of my shelf before I buy any new ones (of course this means between now and the 1st January I will be buying all of the books...)
22. Sell jewellery (I had an offer a few months ago, I think it's time to visit that offer :) )
23. Change hair colour and style (Yep - red is going babes!)
24. Learn a new skill (vague as fuck, but I'm sure I can learn something new!)
25. Go to Glastonbury by myself. (Looking at this as a retreat thing, time spent in the Chalice Wells and Goddess Temple to just chill and re-connect with my spiritual side)
26. Get a new job that suits me better (All of the yes)
27. Go to the cinema on my own (Never done it, and why the fuck not?)
28. Leave the country at least once (Depending on how it goes, going to Scotland may count, but preferably crossing the Channel)
29. Go somewhere in the UK I've never been before (Because it's sizable, this country of ours, and there's plenty I've never seen)

So that's what I've got so far, if you are good friends reading this, please question me on how I'm getting on monthly, I can bore you with all the details, but hopefully I will be blogging how I'm getting on and you will be able to find out that way. Blogging also comes under useful internetting time...totes.

So along with the workbook I have the planner, which is basically a diary but it has sections to help you plan your goals within your months so I am going to be doing that over the two weeks I have off over Christmas. 

2016 I am going to own you :) 

(And because I like to finish on a musical note, have a song from my album of 2016)

"Running For Her Life"

Today I ran.

Ok, so it wasn't for long and it was with a minute and a half walking between 1 minute running intervals, but I ran.

I'm going to run on Thursday too, and Saturday. The next week it gets harder.

I've run before, a few years ago my husband, then fiancé, and I decided it would be a good idea. Except he was the one that kept time which meant I had to try and catch up. I don't do catching up. Not with legs as short as mine anyway.

We gave up, I think he carried on slightly longer than I did, I had come up with excuses, the pollen count was too high, I sustained an "injury" the last time we went out. I got to week two of a beginners 5k training programme.

The lure of writing has come back to me though. I couldn't tell you what the first thing was that made me want to so it, probably my fitbit, running means extra steps. Then I read Running Like A Girl by Alexandra Hemingsly which I enjoyed immensely and inspired me to investigate more. Basically the book follows her path of beginning running after committing herself to doing the London Marathon. I'm not quite aiming for the Marathon next year, but knowing someone can go from nothing to a Marathon in a year is pretty inspiring.

The 5k plan I followed before was the Beginners Guise on Running World. Perhaps designed for the slighly lighter and slightly more in shape runner than I. So this time I'm on the NHS Couch to 5K plan in hope that it works out better. It has been recommended to me by a few people, friends, my mother-in-law, even a colleague at work brought it up today. I think it's the right plan to go for, although once I hit 5k I'm going to have to look elsewhere!

So today was my first run, I don't think I was going fast but I did overtake some people walking, so there's that. The times when I wanted to stop were conveniently when the audio guide told me to stop and walk. I hope that continues, but I'm not going to put money on it. I was encouraged by a couple of the other girls doing running, one who was doing interval running too so presumably C25K or something similar. She was the same shape as me, big bum, big thighs, but she was going and had the confidence to keep going. So good for her. Maybe I'll catch her up some day.

There are a few things I realised I need as I was going around and will require some degree of saving and purchasing. Some things, a water bottle I can take running, a wristband for holding my Keyes, are inexpensive and I'll probably pick up in Sports Direct. The new trainers I undoubtedly need and proper running clothes, they will need to wait a little while longer. Saving for buying a house is slightly more important than wicking clothes or that £100 pair of Nikes that will suit my feet.

But why do I want to run? Part of it is for health, I want to live for as long as possible and to help that I need to lose weight and running is good for that. So there's that. It's also partly to do with mental health. I've had running recommended so many times on various websites in relation to depression and anxiety. You're forcing yourself outside and getting endorphins and all sorts going. It's pretty much recommended by everyone so I'm hoping it's going to make a difference.

I'm going to take this slow, start with getting to 5K, run that comfortably and maybe even do a charity race or two. Then work my way to 10k then dream about half marathons and full marathons.
I'm thinking of doing a separate blog for running, but I'm yet undecided.

Lets hope I survive Thursday's stint...

"We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones."

So far this blog has had song lyrics as it's headings. Today, although this quote has been used in a song, it is a quote from a book. It is a quote by Richard Dawkins.

The full quote is thus:

"We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Sahara. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of those stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here.  We privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds, how dare we whine at our inevitable return to that prior state from which the vast majority have never stirred?"

I believe that this version is a bastardised version of Dawkins mixed with Tuomas Holopainen, songwriter for Nightwish.

Nightwish are releasing a new album called Endless Forms Most Beautiful. It's based on the evolution of the world and the name is taken from Charles Darwin:

"There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved."

When I found out what the concept behind Nightwish's album was going to be I instantly knew it was going to make me question things. I'm one of those delightful people who dwell on their own mortality for a little bit too long and end up on swathes of panic that cannot be helped. Dying is a scary thing, but it's something that we are all going to need to face sooner or later. I think part of my current fear is based on my age. I'm still relatively young and I don't want to die. I am not ready. Which is perfectly understandable. But I think I need to be ready. Death does not make an appointment, but I want to be ready.

Going back to the Dawkins quote. "...that makes us the lucky ones." I've never thought of it that way. Of all the possible variations of my mum and dad, it was me that popped out. I didn't need to, it could have been someone else. Someone totally different to me, someone capable of stepping into this would and making a difference from the start. But it was me instead.

What I have decided, that instead of dwelling on my inevitable betrayal of life, is to make it a good one. I suppose that's all we ever want, a good life. But in what way? Well I want to make my life mean something. So far we do not have the meaning of life, I truly believe we are just a brilliant accident. Not to say brilliant accidents haven't happened anywhere else in the universe, but we are all we know about until the Vulcans arrive.

The other song lyric I want to comment on here relates to the last paragraph. This one is from Ayreon, a music project that always makes me think. "The meaning of life is to give life meaning." It's all we can do. And it's what I'm going to do. So I need to stop dwelling and find that meaning.

I'm looking forward to finding it out.

"Still I Write My Songs About That Dream Of Mine"

Today is the day that marks 10 years since I saw Nightwish, who are undoubtedly my favourite band of all time. They've seen some changes over the last decade, they are on their 3rd singer and have gained a 7th member who has a penchant for tin whistles and weird pipes and while the last two albums have been a bit hit and miss, I have high hopes for the one soon to be released.

But why does this matter? Why am I writing a blog about a band?

It's not the band, it's the music.

Music has been one of my ways of coping through any stress, dark periods or anxiety in my life. From when I was a teenager when I thought everything was stacked against  me, music was my sanctuary. It was in my teens when I discovered metal starting with Evanescence and Linkin Park before going onto Lacuna Coil, Within Temptation and Nightwish.

I think I have always found solace in the lyrics, from the first time I heard Linkin Park's In the End, something in there resonated with me, although now I couldn't tell you what it was.

The first time I really noticed were Evanescence. I swore when I got my hands on Fallen, every song on that album spoke to me in some way or another. When I thought I was drowning with school and home life it helped and made me realise I wasn't alone, that people were going through this elsewhere in their own way.

As I got older, found love, a job and carried on life as a relatively normal human being I thought the music left. It was there, always there but I found less meaning in lyrics, bands who I would have listened to a single song for hours, that kinda stopped (unless it was a really good song!). But I felt the songs were there for the sake of being songs, the meaning in the bands I listened to vanished, even though the enjoyment remained.

The only music I felt differently about was the Pagan bands I started to listen to, that music helped me, it helped me in a different way to Evanescence and Nightwish. When contemplating my spirituality or if I was feeling disconnected, a quick listen to Omnia or Damh the Bard quickly put me back into the frame of mind, especially during the summer which I tend to listen to them more. I've had many an epiphany while listening to some of these artists in relation to my beliefs and for that I've been eternally grateful.

Nightwish have had a couple of albums out since I started listening to them. I came in just as they were able to release Once, a year or so before Tarja was somewhat unceremoniously dumped from the band. Since then, they released Dark Passion Play and Imaginaerum. While I could listen to these albums they did nothing for me. The songs were just songs, the poetry I knew from older albums were gone and they slipped into songs I could listen to but gained no meaning from.

It's only in the last couple of months that I feel like I have gained any meaning from music again. I don't know if this is because of the way that people have been writing or because of the frame of mind I have been in. Since around July 2013 I have suffered, in some way or another, with anxiety and depression. I don't know where I started finding meaning again. It could have been with Ayreon - The Theory of Everything, Delain - The Human Contradiction or even Within Temptation - Hydra. There was songs on those albums that had lyrics that were relevant to the situations I was finding myself in, the states of anxiety I could find calm. I even found myself going back to old songs, old bands and they were like they were before. Screaming words to songs, with husband safely out the house, was once again some form of release for me.


And now Nightwish have released their new single, with their new singer Floor Jansen of Revamp and formerly of After Forever. I know that fans of the band are not necessarily impressed with the song, but I love it. Lyrics once again are in there and there meaning of the song is one that I have fallen in love with. Tuomas Holopainen, Keyboardist and Songwriter of Nightwish said this of Élan: 

"The underlying theme of the song is nothing less than the meaning of life, which can be something different for all of us.
"It's important to surrender yourself to the occasional 'free fall' and not to fear the path less travelled by."

I am travelling on the path that comes with road signs, and although I don't know when the next one will be I know that they are there. The other path is below the cliff and I am longing to jump but the roadblocks on my current path prevent me from veering off course. And if I did jump, where would I jump to? What is over the other side of the cliff? 

I don't have answers, not yet, but the song has got me thinking of what the answers could possibly be.  In the mean time I have my music, I have Nightwish and all the other bands I know I can listen to when my mood is low, when I'm anxious or just need to be lost for a few hours. 

And when it is my time, I too will be where the cliff greets the sea. 

"I've never felt so alone in my life, As I drank from a cup which was counting my time"

I was in a reflective mood this morning, I'm trying out a new hobby (English Paper Piecing) and apparently between the hisses of breath as I jab myself once again with a needle and minute stitches which then fall apart my brain has plenty time to think about everything and anything.

Two weeks ago I turned the ripe age of 27, and once again those back minded fears of aging and turning old have come back to haunt me, steal my sleep and generally be a nuisance to my day to day life. I am no doubt over quarter of the way of my life (hopefully not half way through) and I still feel like I'm mashing all the buttons on the controller at once in vain hope I manage a combo move that allows me to K.O. whatever I'm up against.

But now I feel that that isn't going to be enough and I am terrified of running out of lives.

 It's one of those situations where people say you need to talk, which is the one thing I can't do. If I have something I need to tell someone I will freeze and not say it. I keep things that should come out be bottled up inside and they eat at me, they feed the anxiety until all I want to do is cry.

Then there's the question of who to talk to. At my current time of life I have never felt more alone. I have friends, dotted all over the country. Some near who I haven't seen in weeks, some far I've not seen in a year. Some message me, some don't, some I don't think know me enough for me to talk to. There's my husband but there are somethings that I don't want to talk to him about.

There are so many issues in life at the moment, not lest that we might not have a home in a few months, attempts to find houses to buy are appearing futile. I'm anxious and I'm terrified about this. How do we know we'll get the mortgage we need, what if we don't find a house? We have no way of knowing when we'll be given our marching orders but we're almost living each day in the house as if it were our last.

I still have the rest of my life to button smash my way through, with the vain hope that someone will give me either the manual with the controls or a cheat guide so I can find the life I want but seem to be unable to find, the one with out anxiety.

Yesterday I was reminded me of a Bernard Black quote "This is life! We suffer and slave and expire, that's it."

I don't want to be that person and unless I get past my fears of failure or whatever that is going to be me. I don't want to live a life of regrets but that is where I am heading. When I'm 80 (gods willing) and lying on my death bed or whatever, what will I regret? At the moment, more or less everything.

There are more and more things I could list where my fears and anxiety lie, things I should talk to people about, but there is no one. No one I feel I could honestly sit with and pour my soul out to.

So I carry on. I want this year to be the year where I carry on and achieve something, whether it's something new or whatever, but I want my life to have a direction besides from the grave. I want to get to December and have done something and have plans or at least some idea of where I'm going in the following year.

I just need to stop these anxious feelings, and if I must do it alone, then so be it.

"With understanding no poet is trapped, Woe to all who stop at the horizon"

Now The Patch Work I’m Tailored From Is Ripped At The Seams

So 2014 is gone and 2015 is upon us. I'm not going to lie, last year was pretty crap. I spent the majority of it living in some form of bubble of depression or anxiety. I hardly saw anyone, I hardly did anything. There we so many things I wanted to do but a lot of the time I couldn't bring myself to, so I sat at home and most of the time I did nothing at home too.

I don't want 2015 to be like 2014. I want to achieve something this year. I want to get to the 31st December and think "wow, I did all this this year." Not, "One year down, an undefined number to go."

The past week I was supposed to be reflecting on what I wanted to do with my year. That week has been spent sneezing, coughing and generally feeling sorry for myself with whatever flu/bug/virus I appear to have contracted this time. I wanting to be healthy is a thing though, so there's that.

I don't want to call what I want to do resoultions. The word resolution means that within about 5 days I will break them undoubtedly. The goals I have in mind are going to be general. not too specific because if I read back on this this time next year and realise I haven't lost exactly x amount of pounds to be the exact weight I was before I got married then I'll be upset. So here are my general, non-specific non-resolutions.

1. Lose Weight - This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who knows me. I started last year to lose weight but comfort eating very very quickly came into effect and I probably gained instead of lost. But I want to be comfortably thinner than I am now. I have got a pair of trousers and a dress I bought this time last year I would like to get into, so lets aim for that instead of a number :)

2. Read more - Something those that know me or anyone who has had any vague conversation with me will know that I love books. I love reading books. Last year I read 35 books. I have previously managed to read 52 in a year so I would love to get back up to that level. I know depending on my mood this may or may not be achievable. But I'm going to try, that's all I can do, right?

3. Do more - Don't think I can get more vague and general than that goal. But I don't want to find I'm sat twiddling my thumbs this year. If I have spare time I want to be doing something. If I find that I'm wallowing or stressing about something out of control. I'm going for a walk. If the weather is nice I'll take a book and iPod and distract myself elsewhere. I want to craft, I want to write, I want to read, I want to be outside. I want to combat the feelings I've had over a year of total helplessness.

4. Spend less time online - There will be times when this will not come into affect, doing NaNoWriMo in November for example when I surround myself with crazy folk from Birmingham and invaders from the Switzerland Chat because it's actually helpful. Day to day though, I don't need to be online anywhere near as much as I am. So I am going to limit my online time greatly. Maybe rely on it less so I can actually go out to supermarkets and things, as nice as delivery is. The extra excercise wouldn't hurt either.

5. Exercise - I don't currently exercise beyond going to work and coming back from work. Ideally I would like to take up running at somepoint, but in my current state that would be too much weight for my poor joints to handle so I'll start with walking before I do anything too vigorous. I wouldn't mind taking up other things but I'll have to see what time I have.

6. Be happy - It doesn't sound hard but Gods has it been. I want to be happier with myself, with my life, and if action needs to be taken then I need to be not afraid to take it. I don't know if I have that confidence but I will need to find it.

7. Embrace my Spirituality - Something else that has suffered because of anxiety and depression this past year or so. This time last year I told myself I was going to practice more and I did nothing. I have books and course books that I want to work through this year, I want to know myself and know what it is I believe, I know it waxes and wanes naturally but I want to work towards something with my spirituality and if I know myself better just a fraction by next Christmas, then that's a win for me.

8. Try new things - I want to move outside of my comfort zome in some places, I want to try new crafts I want to volunteer for things I wouldn't normally volunteer for. I might not start this month or even next but I want to be able to say I've done something new and exciting by the end of next year, although unless involves me getting vast quantaties of money it is unlikely to involve heights.

So that's what I am working towards this year, I don't think I'll achieve all of them but if I can achieve something towards all of them then I'll be happy.

If I could just get rid of this sodding flu...